Today Mabel McCullough may have had a 95th birthday party for the history books. Moments after blowing out the 95 candles on her cake and sitting down to enjoy the meal, 24 firefighters rushed in. Apparently the smoke from the blown out candles set off the fire alarm.
Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb has been in this profession for 23 years and says that he's never come across a fire alarm being set off because of birthday candles.
The firefighters didn't stick around to enjoy the cake, however they did take some pictures with Ms. McCullough.
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If you fix these two little problems, I like your lead:
ReplyDelete* don't start with "when"
* delete "Ms." (AP style)
Be specific: "24 firefighters rushed in"
Give me some paragraphs!
I think I'd also paraphrase one of the quotes -- the fire chief's, perhaps? -- and add that in before the last sentence.
7.5/10