Pete Stenhoff, a senior at Chula Vista High School in Redmond, California, did not get the chance to live up to his full athletic potential due to an injury that resulted in him being confined to a wheel chair. His senior year of high school, Stenhoff rammed his head into the ball carrier's chest during a football game which led to a cracked vertebrate.
At the time of Stenhoff's accident, he weighed 210 pounds; the aftermath of his injury has left him at 172 pounds. Unfortunately, he did not have the opportunity to graduate with his class and is working towards his diploma by taking correspondence courses.
Stenhoff is not bitter though."I knew the risks involved when I decided to play football," he says, and adds, "I wish I would have known just how bad it could be."
It is reported that there are 20,000 injuries in high school football each year-12 percent of them permanently disable those involved. Of these injuries, 35 percent damage the neck or head like in the case of Pete Stenhoff. Most critics blame these injuries on the helmets, but whatever the reason is for this high amount of injuries it needs to be solved--and quickly.
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This is pretty good once you get going, but there's too much preamble. You can get rid of the entire first paragraph: just start out with Stenhoff's accident.
ReplyDeleteAfter describing Stenhoff's accident, you make the transition to the larger story, then go back to Stenhoff's situation and quote. I can see why you did that -- it makes this exercise feel like a complete story with an ending. I don't want to discourage you from doing that, because knowing how to shape information into a workable story is a valuable skill. Not everyone "gets" how to do that, and you do.
However, I was looking at this exercise as having you write the opening paragraphs of what would be a longer story. In that case, you'd want to tell me about Stenhoff's accident and the resulting situation in the opening paragraphs, then make the transition to the broader issue of high school football injuries.
16/20 -- want to revise?
Better. You still need to tighten it up, but you've got the format right.
ReplyDelete16+1=17/20